Cities:Joke Contest

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Poetry Club
Joke Contest

The King has announced a joke contest. The wittiest adventurers will win fabulous prizes. Or something.

Has the King given any consideration to deadlines for entries and voting? This topic has become a bit stale.

How to Enter

Use your sig. as the title for the joke. eg.== ~~~ == I'll start us off...

Only signed-in sigs will be counted. Make as many jokes as you like.

How to Vote

You can vote for which joke you think is best. Sign under the joke with your ~~~ sig. One vote per person. IP addresses won't be counted.

The Jokes


Why did the novice cities player go to a trading post after signing up for the duel? ...he thought he could trade nasty blows with another player!

how do you recognise cities players at the grocery store?

They're in the produce section, staring in disbelief at the low price of cucumbers.

why did the earth dragon fall asleep after a player hit him with a fire stone?

...because he was tired!

if i have my corpse, and then i die, then i assume my corpse would be holding my corpse, so.. when i pick up my corpse it would have my other corpse, right? then that would be a corpse of a corpse? wait, i think i get it now; %a corpse is a corpse, of corpse of corpse, and no one can talk to a corpse of corpse, unless of course the corpse of the corpse is the famous Mr. Dead!%


Why can't you learn magic in cities?

...because Elseware can't spell.

Guess this isn't true any more? :-P


Why are forests sexy?

..because that's the best place to get wood.


What's the difference between a cities player and someone with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)?

...I'll tell you in 2 hours, 3 mintutes and 31 seconds which us when my AP goes back above zero.


Q: What's the difference between tar and chocolate sauce?

A: Tar is found in the Great Desert and chocolate sauce is found in a great dessert.


Q: Why did the newbie stock up on wands of anger before attempting to get to Brighthelm?

A: He heard the Great Desert was hard to cross.


Q: What do Treemen and Thieves have in common?

A: They both hate coppers.


Warning: This one is obscure in the US and may be incomprehensible elsewhere.

Q: What did the Forest say to the Crag?

A: Pardon me, but your Sylph is showing.


A lone cities player is dragging along a giant rattling bag. A local guard stops him and asks him "What in blazes are you doing with a bag that big?" The player replies... "Oh nothing, just carrying my 432 empty coffee cups my 120 cloaks of invisibility, 640 arrows, 240,000 gold pieces 400-" "Ok ok I get it." says the guard

"Why are you dragging that giant bag of crap?" asks the guard "Have you ever tried PUSHING a giant bag of crap?" you reply. Nomex 17:00, 10 Jan 2006 (GMT)


So two FBI agents walk into the Hot Lava Java coffee shop, go up to the counter, and order a mug of coffee each. It's been a hard day - another alien abduction case has been covered up, she's tired, and he's angry. Even worse, a couple of monsters walk in, pull up a chair at the adjacent table, and start smoking! Being an adamant non-smoker, the guy is obviously infuriated.

"I've had it!" he says, and gets to his feet to give them an earful. "Wait!" His female companion pulls him back into his seat, and points at them. "Look, that one in the red seems to be the only one with the cigarettes - I've got an idea."

She takes her palantir, calls up the switchboard, and tells them that this ringleader is being suspicious, and should probably be taken away under Homelands Security or suchlike. Sure enough, a few minutes later a man in a stylish hat comes in, and walks out with the monster. To her companion's delight, the air becomes clear now that their supplier has gone, and he gets back to his coffee.

His companion turns to him.

"You see? There's no smoke without fire, Fox."


A policeman drives up to a parked taxi en route to Water City, and notices that the car seems to be full of birds.

"Sir, you do realise you have a bird on your back seat?"

"Yes, I found it on the side of the road - it looked a bit peaky, so I'm taking it to the hospital."

"And this other bird, on the passenger seat?"

"Well I was driving along, and some kids chucked it through my window!"

"And what about your front tyre? It looks like there's a bird sticking out of that too!"

"Well, yes. It flew straight at it!"

The policeman flips open his notebook.

"I'm going to have to book you, sir."

"For what?"

"Well for starters there's the ill eagle parking, not to mention the roc through your windshield and your punctured sparrow tyre!"

Vote -Droll

Vote -WinterQueen


A player is hiking around Cloud City looking for giants, when he sees a fight going on. A husband and wife team seem to be attacking a monster - or at least, the husband is. He bashes it with rusty swords, breakfast bars, and a whole assortment of weapons until the beast is down to 5HP - and then he turns around, and walks away! His wife sighs, picks up a rusty sword, and slays the monster.

Our spectator is intrigued, and goes up to the wife.

"What happened there? Your husband just wandered off!"

"Oh, you know how it is", she says. "He's always forgetting to put the Loucee down."


How many Cities players does it take to change a lightbulb?

... none -- they're all waiting for Elseware to invent one.


Why can't you learn magic in cities?

... because then you'd be able to have hex and drugs and Rocs 'n' role-play...

Vote --Deva 13:55, 13 April 2007 (BST)
Vote though it's a bit dated! Rhapsodie 08:08, 12 June 2007 (BST)


A salamander, a rabbit, a rabbit, a cow, and a parrot all walk into The Hobbit.

Lady Caroline asks, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Vote -StormWind

Vote -Conzy 11:22, 28 July 2006 (BST)


(This is true.)

From the Associated Press, 30 December 2005: Illinois approved a state amphibian, the Eastern tiger salamander, 
after it won 51 percent of Internet votes, beating the gray tree frog and the American toad. 
"The toad and the frog kind of split up the vote and allowed the salamander to slip in," Lt. Gov. Pat Quinn said.

Another win for Fire over Water. Go Salamanders!

A victory by simple majority (51%) really cannot be explained as a splitting of the vote.
I'm thinking this Pat Quinn must be water aligned.
Of course, one could say that the gray tree frog is earth aligned, so Fire beats Earth and Water. Go Fire! Syagrius 21:39, 9 March 2006 (GMT)


Where is the School of Hard Norx?

check 32e154n --AmishRobots 06:40, 20 June 2009 (BST)


A great detective was asked by his assistant; "how do you do quad damage?". He replied... "Elementary".


How do you recognize a cities player in real life?

It's the one complaining that none of the animals he/she recently killed, carried any gold.


how do you get an old lady to say f%$k ............

get another old lady to yell bingo

Haha, I like this one a lot :-) But I guess the jokes should be related to Cities, no? Kind greetings, Conzy 11:17, 28 July 2006 (BST)


What's worse than being killed by an Air Dragon when you had 100,000GP, 10 Glass Swords, A Raft, A Boat, A Survey Vessel and 10 Ruby Slippers?

Database crash.


What's so great about cities?

If you kill a cow with a pair of scissors, nobody looks at you funny.

This one gets my vote...haha Billz8 22:11, 18 Jan 2006 (GMT)
Vote! Flt 21:18, 17 October 2006 (BST)


Moves like a train, kills small game? Cities-newbie on a road


What is a magic bean worth? The Smell of English Men!


Why don't you ever see fried chickens on the streets in Cities?

Too many forks in the road.


Ok, so one more and then I'm done. Need a really dirty one, right?

Why wasn't Jordan fake n0rx allowed on deck on the Captain's Caravel?

He was afraid she would eat all his seamen...

Dirty, dirty dirty...


Announcer at the Western Market:

"Raffle tickets, get your raffle ticket here, first price is a porta-potty. Oh, it seems we have a winner, step roit up and claim your price - but Sir, you do not look like a regular cities player?"

"No, I'm a Win-da-loo Monster"


Why do cheerleaders like to hang out in the desert?

Because it keeps telling them they're hot.

Nuru nuru

What's a vorpal blade's favourite snack?


Vote Naius 13:37, 5 December 2006 (GMT)

Coln Green

Q: How many Cities players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Huh! What? Sorry I was watching the AP counter.


Why do Cities players love Peter Stringfellow so much?

They want to get their hands on his Ancient Wood.


Joke 1

Q. What do you get when you cross a Sparrow with a Cruel Blade?

A. Christmas dinner.

Joke 2

Q. What do you get when you cross a magic ball and a d16?

A. A waste of two action points.

Crappy Knock Knock Joke

Knock Knock?

Who's there?


Cow who?

C-how come, cows have so much damn hp?

Bubba the Shy

I like my women as I like my Coffee, Ground up and in the freezer.


Q: Why did the Cities player cross the road?

A: Because road terrain has the lowest AP cost!

(I'm sorry)


Q: How do you get transported to the bookstore in cities?

A: Break a couple of Water Stones.

Note that most Americans wouldn't understand this, but from what I can tell Waterstones is the UK equivalent of Borders. --BlaisedeC 20:17, 5 August 2007 (BST)
10-15 years ago there were large ones in big American cities such as Boston and Chicago, but the Boston one has closed. Droll 16:17, 5 September 2007 (BST)


Q: Why are cities pirates so hard to kill?

A: I don't know. They just AAARRRRR.

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