User:Amishrobots/bernie

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flight to Kansas, now boarding

got all my cds (at least i think so!) and:

Please ensure that your palantirs are turned off while the engines are running.
You lose a Single to Oz.
Security search your inventory, and make you put some stuff in the hold.
You lose 4 Air Stones.
You lose an Air Sword.
You lose 8 Arrows.
You lose a Bag (body bag).
You lose a Bag (the other bag!).
You lose a Bottle of Sparkling Water.
You lose 12 Bows.
You lose a Box of Matches.
You lose 2 Brave Stars.
You lose a Breakfast Club.
You lose 2 Broad Swords.
You lose a Chain.
You lose a Cocktail Stick.
You lose 3 Coconuts.
You lose a Daemonic Dagger.
You lose a Dragon Stone.
You lose 4 Earth Stones.
You lose 5 Exotic Cocktails.
You lose 21 Fire Crackers.
You lose 4 Fire Stones.
You lose a Fishing Net.
You lose a Fork.
You lose 16 Fountain Pens.
You lose a Glass Sword.
You lose a Hydro Sword.
You lose a Knife.
You lose 3 Leeches.
You lose a Leech.
You lose 21 Leeches.
You lose 10 Measures of Black Powder.
You lose a Morning Star.
You lose 6 Mugs of Ale.
You lose 2 Night Clubs.
You lose a Night Stick.
You lose an Oscar the Grouch Pez Dispenser.
You lose 2 Pairs of Knitting Needles.
You lose 55 Pairs of Scissors.
You lose 205 Pieces of Wood.
You lose a Plowshare.
You lose 41 Pointy Sticks.
You lose a Rusty Sword.
You lose 6 Sharp Swords.
You lose a Silver Nail.
You lose 2 Spatulas.
You lose 4 Spikey Ninja Throwing Stars.
You lose 2 Summon Stones.
You lose 4 Swords of Omen.
You lose a Water Catana.
You lose 4 Water Stones.
They took away your Pez Dispenser??? Fascists. -- Sertularian 00:01, 19 May 2010 (BST)

Bernie: The Mage Years

Our faithful readership will be happy to know that bernie is now an apprentice. And still pretty good at dying now and then. thanks be to mackie & friends for tub-thumping. I forget the details, but i seem to remember the ordeal requiring a mage for some reason. Or maybe that was just my imagination? ha, i-mage-ination. um nevermind. now i'm pondering the concept of a nation full of wizards. Anyway. Bernie's learning to spell, hopinbg someday to find those missing cd's.

damn bots not working...

or else this wouldda looked way cool in IRC:

What was going on...
You attack Omar the Troll. You cause 4 points of damage, and receive 16 experience. Omar the Troll causes 4 points of damage. The Omar the Troll says 'Vengabeans are Zombie Spies' Omar the Troll kills you. You have died. Luckily the 'King set up a National Health Service which covers such things. You awake feeling dazed and weak, at the Shrine of Water. You lose 10 Kudos. Your kudos is reduced! As agreed, you must work two days in the shrine in return for them retrieving your stuff. Your policy is now fulfilled. You may wish to take out a new one, or next time you die you will lose all your stuff. You attack Omar the Troll.
You miss.
Omar the Troll misses you.
You attack Omar the Troll.
You cause 4 points of damage, and receive 16 experience.
Omar the Troll causes 4 points of damage.
The Omar the Troll says 'Vengabeans are Zombie Spies'
Failed to complete last 3 reps.
HP below threshold. You attack Omar the Troll.
You cause 4 points of damage, and receive 16 experience.
Omar the Troll misses you.
You attack Omar the Troll.
You cause 4 points of damage, and receive 16 experience.
Omar the Troll causes 4 points of damage.
The Omar the Troll says 'Vengabeans are Zombie Spies'
You attack Omar the Troll.
You cause 4 points of damage, and receive 16 experience.
Omar the Troll causes 4 points of damage.
The Omar the Troll says 'Vengabeans are Zombie Spies'
You attack Omar the Troll.
You miss.
Omar the Troll misses you.You go North. The Road Runner lets you pass.
You go West. As you break the Earth Stone you are engulfed in a vortex.
You lose an Earth Stone.
Now using Fists.Now using Earth Stone.You kneel before the 'king.
'Greetings Duke bernie' says the 'king.
'Nice weather for it, eh?'You kneel before the 'king.
'Greetings Earl bernie' says the 'king.
The 'king takes 5 cucumber sandwiches.
You lose 5 Cucumber Sandwiches.
The 'king tells you, with his mouth full, that he's decided to make you a Duke.
You gain 1000 Gold Pieces.You kneel before the 'king.
'Greetings bernie' says the 'king.
'Yeah, I guess you're worthy.'
The 'king makes you a knight. 'Arise Sir bernie'. The 'king explains that all knights are known as 'sir' regardless of gender.
The 'king also awards you 1000 gold. neat!
The 'king gives you a cool sword.
You gain 1000 Gold Pieces.
You gain a Sword of Omens.
You kneel before the 'king.
'Greetings Sir bernie' says the 'king.
I hear you killed a dragon; good for you!
The 'king decides to make you a baron.
You gain 1000 Gold Pieces.
You kneel before the 'king.
'Greetings Baron bernie' says the 'king.
'14 drago

the NEW Kronichles of Bernie!

after losing his ministry to dis-corporate takeover by the Corpse of Deathlock , bernie wandered the realm for a time, sullen and lost. Until he received word that his grandmother (or maybe it was his mom) had fallen ill, and desperately needed a dragon stone to heal her. Stunned by the news that he had a mother (or possibly grandma) whom he had never met, and ignoring the fact that he already had a dragon stone in his posession, he has undertaken a new quest to slay the undead dragon, and save his dying maternal (or possibly grand-maternal) kin. And possibly add the undead dragon to his list of dragons killed (of which there are five so far) that he may eventually make baron, or earl, maybe sir first, but then duke at the end there, all at once. With his to-hit ratio of 40%, the way will be perilous indeed.

to this end, bernie set up a charity stall (pick a winner) split the pot style endeavour during the 1st annual royal festival which brought in a large amount of gold coin from his still-loyal followers (but mostly stien) and took a few hand outs from caring individuals (mainly an eyepod full of accuracy spells, and a midas wand)

AmishRobots 07:14, 31 August 2008 (BST) bernie has been stocking up on supplies to aid his desperate mission of mercy, the way will be difficult, but bernie is determined, he's purchased cloaks of invisibility, magic boots, a walking stick, a major healing bling, sextant, tarot cards, climbing gear, and a few odds and ends. He'll have a companion on this quest in the form of Fangs, a loyal goose of very little ability.

bernie has finally begun his trek north from the southern market, with a few minor detours to avoid any difficulty with the local wildlife, he has found himself at the entrance to the interior, and in a bit of incredible luck, he has found the pass completely unguarded; not a dragon in sight! he enters...

AmishRobots 07:24, 31 August 2008 (BST) inside the interior, not much to note so far, according to a quick tarot reading the ud dragon is "about 18 squares away to the West North West." after eating lord ruthven's experiment bernie is suddenly 250ap richer. eep! a monster just appeared! time to hunt...

AmishRobots 07:28, 31 August 2008 (BST) climbing gear got bernie on this mountain, but now he's surrounded by terrible air monsters, unable to use the invisi-cloak and the climbing gear at the same time, he may have no recourse but to retreat...


AmishRobots 07:59, 31 August 2008 (BST)THE UNDEAD DRAGON!!!!

midas wand:80%
fists: 91%

You attack the Undead Dragon.
You turn the Undead Dragon to gold.
You gain 1500 Bits of Gold.
You slay the Undead Dragon.
You gain 5 Dragon Blood Doses.
You gain a Water Wand2.
You gain a Dragon Stone.Now using Midas Wand.Now using Eye Pod (for the Dragon).The Crocodile lets you pass.
You gain a Leech.
You go North. You gain a Leech.
You go West. You spread the cards...
The cards indicate that the nearest one is about 1 squares away to the North West.Now using Tarot Deck.You say 'it'
The Knights who say Ni scream.
You cause 50 points of damage, and receive 20 experience.
You slay the Knights who say Ni.
You gain 68 Gold Pieces.
You gain an Earth Stone.You say 'it'
The Knights who say Ni scream.
You cause 50 points of damage, and receive 20 experience.You go North. You go North. You go East. You go South. Yummy!
You lose a Slice of Birthday Cake.
Now using Fists.Now using Slice of Birthday Cake.Now using Sheaf of Wheat.The Small Water Dragon lets you pass.
You gain a Leech.
You go East. You gain a Leech.
You go East. You go North. You attack the Emissary.
You miss.
Fangs misses the Emissary.
The emissary whispers: 'Have you noticed how the inside of the vanishing castle seems a lot smaller than the outside?'
The emissary vanishes!The Soft Wolf lets you pass.
You go North. You spread the cards...
The cards indicate that the nearest one is about 4 squares away to the North North East.Now using Tarot Deck.You go West. You go West. You go South. You go West. You go West. You attack the Small Scissor Beast.
The stone kills it outright.
You slay the Small Scissor Beast.
You gain a Water Talisman.
You gain 57 Gold Pieces.You attack the Small Scissor Beast.
You miss.
Fangs misses the Small Scissor Beast.
The Small Scissor Beast causes 2 points of damage.Now using Stone.The perky n0rx lets you pass.
You go North. You g

second time:

trekking through the interior is major ordeal when you have the to-hit ratio of a dead goldfish, still after an epic battle with a cat, a few lucky doses of dragon's blood to boost ap, and an inexplicable hostility from monsters of my own alignment:

You attack the Undead Dragon.
You turn the Undead Dragon to gold.
You gain 1500 Bits of Gold.
Your Midas Wand (40%) has worn out.
You lose a Midas Wand.
You slay the Undead Dragon.
You gain a Copy of 'Vogue'.
You gain a Disguise Kit.
You gain 5 Dragon Blood Doses.
You gain a Copy of 'Over the Rainbow'.
You gain 9 Arrows.
You gain a Dragon Stone.

AmishRobots 09:29, 10 February 2009 (GMT)

bernie dies for YOUR sins!

Bernie wants you all to know that he loves you very much, and will continue to die for your sins as often as he can. He specifically wanted me to mention that he firmly supports your game of "Corpse Tag". He is thrilled that JADW8 has come up with a beautiful and creative way to spread his love amongst his followers. It is his deepest desire that his corpse may have a place in your hearts, and in your inventories.

this will eventually be a page dedicated to bernie and his extensive research into the realm of death.
but for now, it is just a disorganized pile of crap
some observations, and questions to be answered:

  • death reduces xp points, how many?
  • death reduces kudos, exactly how many?
when kudos reaches zero, it is no longer listed in yr inventory. and the designation (diabolical, evil, etc) vanishes
  • an empty corpse cannot be emptied (obviously) and therefore can produce no soylent green.
  • if you have a corpse, which contains another corpse (even its own) you can empty the corpse, producing soylent green. this way you can have your corpse and eat it too!

Kronichles of Bernie

Bernie has attained his spiritual goal of reaching the top of both "Times Died" and "Avg Times Died Per Day" charts
However, No sooner did Bernie complete his life's mission, than a new corpse-slinger emerged from the shadows to challenge him for the title.
This new challenger, (known as "Deathlock") is a fire-aligned character and a minion of the evil Stien empire.
Using some nefarious means, the wretched Deathlock was able to lower his max hit points to TEN.
And, predictably the bastard was able to demolish bernie's respectable score of (at the time) 42 with his own score of 71.
We believe an entity known only as "Kaos Dragon" was instrumental to the stien camp, giving them the secret technology needed to drastically reduce Deathlock's evil hit point max.

retaliation

at the time of the great Deathlock Victory, Bernie had been planning to retire his ministry (at least for a while) and possibly run the talk show circuit for a while; maybe write his autobiography.
however, with this new development, well, he simply could not let Deathlock go unpunished.
coordinating his efforts with other members of the amish stable, bernie was able to effect a temporary revenge:
deathlock was summoned to the temple of water (a water square) , where it was hypothesized (apparently correctly) that deathlock would be unable to move from, it being very unlikely that he had bothered to learn swimming.
to further stymie any chances he might have for an easy escape, all monsters surrounding the victim were slaughtered, and replaced with illusory "corpse of bernie"s, all of which were fire aligned, to prevent his attacking them.
finally, the honourable judge wapner threw a pound of poop at him.

escape

Unfortunately, some villain, possibly working in collusion with Deathlock, killed one of the illusory bernie corpses, allowing a single undine to take it's place, effecting an easy escape route for deathlock, via death.


a million bernies

this just needs a better title. remind me to think about this later when i'm less tired, and devote a new page to it.

based on the "million penguins" concept.

Bernie hung lazily around Fire city for a while, pondering his destiny. In his earlier years he felt he was born to die. Yet somehow, he'd survived his restless youth. He was almost a man now. He knew that once he met the king, people would have to call him "sir" from now on. He'd paid his dues, he was ready for knighthood, even dukedom. It was all there; his for the taking. Yet he hesitated. Was he ready to give up his youth? To take his place amongst the people of the four cities? The weight of the world was on his shoulders as he ordered yet another pint of cider and black...

Yes, Bernie was a goth, even if his alignment didn't show it. He'd had repeated bouts of suicidal depression, and an unnatural obsession with death his whole life. --AmishRobots 09:30, 10 February 2009 (GMT)

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